


Real Men Make War Not Friends

by suzannahbee123



Category: Anchorman (Movies), Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Crack, Crack Crossover, Crossover, Funny, Minor Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-03
Updated: 2018-11-03
Packaged: 2019-08-17 02:21:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,059
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16507520
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/suzannahbee123/pseuds/suzannahbee123
Summary: News reader Steve Rogers hates News Reader Ron Burgundy and challenges him to a fight.





	Real Men Make War Not Friends

New York…

The city of Real News.

You know, the type of News that makes you sit up, pay attention, re evaluate your life and say inspiring things like “Hey! That could’ve happened to me!” and “Damn, New York is terrifying!”

What made New York bearable and liveable and still the best city in the world?

The Anchor man of the Channel One News team. Steve Rogers.

Ooooooh, yeah… Just say that name again and let those shivers take over for a moment…

Steve Rogers was a God, and damn did that man know it. Golden hair that Apollo himself had wept over, sea blue eyes that Poseidon had based his own oceans on, and, a body that made Adonis look like a piece of skinny trash.

Steve Rogers and his news team owned New York and they adored her back. Would do anything to protect her… Including take on an inferior News Team from an inferior state to defend her honour…

***

“Dammit, fellas! I am not taking this, anymore!” Steve Rogers was pacing furiously in his office after throwing the newspaper to the floor in disgust. “This Ron Burgundy is going down!”

“Yeah, man!” Bucky Barnes, number 2 and roving man on the street, slammed his fist down on the desk, “Can’t take this crap no more! You seen the guy they got doin’ my bit on Burgundy’s team?! He looks like Lang and he’s a total ass-”

“Hey!” Scott Lang, weatherman supreme and all around “nice guy”, yelled indignantly, “Brain Fantana is my San Diego twin and he seems-”

“I say we take the fight to them…” Clint Barton, sports reporter and oddly sinister older man said quietly from his corner.

“Say…” Steve’s beautiful blue eyes lit up from within, “That’s a good idea there, Clint… take the fight to them…”

“Hey, pal… what’cha talkin’ about?”  Bucky asked, blue eyes narrowing in suspicion. They weren’t as spectacular as Steve’s but they were still pretty okay.

“Oh you know what I’m talking about, Buck.” Steve shook back his glorious mane of golden hair and laughed, angels in heaven sighing as he did so.

“War?” Lang asked, hopefully.

“No.” Steve scoffed, not even looking at him.

“War?” Bucky and Clint asked, evil glints in their eyes.

“Yes!” Steve snapped his fingers and laughed, “Hey fellas! We’re going to San Diego and taking our titles back!”

“YEAH!” All four men jumped joyfully in the air, giddy at the prospect of beating up those San Diagans.

***

“Brick, can you tell me where we are, buddy? You said this was a shortcut to the haircut place.” Ron Burgundy asked his fellow newsreader patiently, putting pressure on poor Brick never did help matters.

“Ha! I don’t know.” Brick shrugged cheerfully and carried on walking, smile bright on his face.

Ron shook his head and looked over at Champ Kind and Brian Fantana, both of whom understood dear Brick as he did and didn’t say anything further, until…

“Hey!” Champ stood stock still and raised his left fist over his shoulder, “You guys feel that?”

“Yeah…” Brian’s eyes roved around their surroundings and he took a deep breath through his nose, “Yeah I do… smells like… ah crap!”

“Oh yeah!” Steve Rogers came out from behind a dustbin, casually slapping a baseball bat against his palm, “That’s the smell of New York, baby! Breathe it in, boys! They’re going to be your last!” Bucky, Scott and Clint came out from behind him, each with their own weapons and each wearing sinister grins.

“Smells like hot dogs…” Brick muttered to himself.

“Oh God, not again…” Ron spat, bitterly, “Not New York newsreaders! Everyone knows you scumbags can’t fight fair!”

“Oh, I wouldn’t worry about that…” Bucky Barnes chuckled, “I don’t think this is going to last long enough for our tactics to bother you that much.”

“Oh, you know I haven’t had a brawl with some genuine New York freaks in quite some time… I want this to last all damn night.” Champ cracked his knuckles.

“C’mon, fellas,” Ron tried to reason, “Why don’t you just stay in your state and we stay in ours? No one here cares about what happens in New York.”

“Well, I care!” Steve cried, “I care that you’re making my city look like crap with your stupid face and your worse moustache!”

“Hey!” Brian yelled, “Don’t you dare attack his moustache! It’s beautiful!”

“I’ve seen better things crawling out of holes under rocks.” Clint smiled, stretching his arms out and rolling his neck.

“Alright, that’s enough!” Ron was incensed, no one insulted his moustache! He spent more time on that then he spent on his guns! And he spent _a lot_ of time on his guns!

“We’re doing this and we’re doing this _now!”_

Pulling out the crowbar that was conveniently nestled within his blazer, Ron stood ahead of his news team and stood toe to toe with Steve Rogers who was similarly stood ahead of his own news team.

“There is only one rule for these types of things and it’s sacrosanct!”

“Oh, I know.” Steve smiled a stunning smile that had Ron’s heart skipping a beat even though he didn’t understand why, “No touching of the hair or face, right? We make our livings off how beautiful we are.”

“Let’s do this, Rogers.”

“After you, Burgundy.”

 _Ninety devastating seconds later._   

“WAAAAAAAAAGGGGHHHHHHH! OOOOH NOOOO!!! AHHHHHHH!!!”

The wailing emitting from Steve Rogers was the wail of a broken man, all who heard it felt their hearts break just a little at the pain emanating from this poor man.

A man, whose hair had been messed up.

“You promised! You said that the hair wasn’t to be touched! You said, you big bully!”

“Not cool, man.” Clint, Bucky and Scott looked nauseated.

“Yeah, damn Burgundy, you never break your own rule.” Brian quipped before shrugging and turning away. He didn’t really care.

Steve sniffed and stood up, carefully running his fingers through his hair and wincing when he realised that it was completely out of place and would need his $200 brush to get it back in order, “Fall back, news team. Fall back.”

“This is San Diego, Rogers. You mind your manners!” Ron Burgundy stood tall and proud as he faced the retreating invaders from a foreign state.

Steve Rogers retreated, but he would get his revenge… someday… somehow…

 


End file.
